"I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others -- The only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad."
There was a time when I knew who I was. I held a strange aura of confidence, a stronghold of pride. I found myself surrounded by friends- often cracking jokes and inducing smiles. Why does a change of atmosphere lead to such a change of character. I use to never cry, now I cry daily. I’ve done this before, I should be use to this by now, but I’m not. I have never felt so alone, so unlike myself.
Of all the places I’ve lived, I’ve never hated anywhere more than this.
These things sit in the back of my throat, my tongue unable to push them between my lips.
I don’t want to go back, at least not necessarily. I feel a bit free here. However, I am unhappy. All of me knows it. My body curls in, rejects food, and aches. My eyes brim with tears every waking moment of the day. It knows. It knows how unhappy and discontented I am.
Grades have always been important to the world around me. They have been the key to happiness, to a bright future. However, the stress from trying to keep my grades up has caused me to wonder. Maybe, sometimes, it’s okay for grades to be second. I’m getting out of an advanced class, and getting a tutor. However, I fear for my grades. Maybe, it will all be okay.
I want to do things for myself. Things I have wanted to do for a good while now. I want to learn to play piano. I want to do more art, to paint, to work with ink and charcoal, and to make messes, but be completely happy. I want to grow thinner. I want to become one and completely immerse myself in nature. I want to live, because if I am to die tomorrow, I’d like to die happy, and completely free.
I feel good about myself and my respect for the environment.
However, protein deficiency is becoming a problem. Today, I had to chug down a glass of milk filled with soy protein just to remain standing. I shouldn’t let things like that fall through the cracks just because times are rough. My health is of the utmost importance.